We all say we want change. We want better habits, healthier relationships, a mindset shift, a new career path, or to "just be happier." We talk about the destination—that feeling of relief, success, or joy that comes when we finally "arrive."
But one piece is missing from that conversation: the process.
In my work, I often see people deeply committed to the idea of change but who hit a wall when things get hard. The struggle comes when clients want the results of change without the work it takes to create it.
Here is the truth: If you want to see change, you must accept the discomfort that comes with it.
Growth is rarely comfortable.
In fact, if you're doing it right, it often feels impossible, like a marathon with an unknown finish line. That discomfort isn't a sign that you're doing something wrong; it's a sign that you are pushing through the growth phase. You are stretching your capacity. You are learning a new way of being, and that takes time.
There are four stages of change that I talk about with clients, and they're so important to remember when things get tough.
Unconscious Incompetence: This is "I don't know what I don't know." This is where the maladaptive habits thrive. We don't know that we need to change.
Conscious Incompetence: This is where I know I need to change, but I don't know how to change (this is the stage where people often start therapy). I know what I am doing isn't working, but change feels uncertain.
Conscious Competence: This is the hardest and longest stage, and where I see clients often give up. I know what I have to do to change, but I have to hold myself accountable, and it's often uncomfortable and messy.
Unconscious Competence: This is where we have made the change, and it starts to feel "normal," like I have always been this way.
But retreating into the comfort zone is how we stay stuck. The discomfort is not the enemy; it is the inevitable companion of change.
How to Lean Into the Discomfort
Accepting discomfort doesn't mean staying miserable. It means being brave enough to sit with the temporary messiness that paves the way for lasting change. Here is how you can practice that:
- Acknowledge the feeling: When you feel that familiar tug of unease or resistance, don't try to shove it away. Give it a name. Say to yourself, "Ah, here is that feeling of anxiety again. It's telling me I'm trying something new." Bringing it into the light takes away its power to control you.
- Normalize the experience: Remind yourself that discomfort is a natural byproduct of growth. If you are learning a new skill, navigating a difficult boundary, or healing a past wound, feeling "off" is part of the territory.
- Take baby steps: Instead of waiting for the discomfort to disappear (which might take a while), ask yourself: What is the smallest step I can take toward change right now? Can I change something by only 1%? Action often eases the anxiety of anticipation.
The Bottom Line
Change isn't a simple on-off switch; it's a process. It is messy, non-linear, and, yes, often uncomfortable. But on the other side of that discomfort is a life that is more authentic, more aligned with your values, and more fulfilling.
The next time you feel that resistance, pause. Take a breath. Recognize that you are simply in the middle of a growth spurt. Be brave enough to stay in the room with those uncomfortable feelings—and keep moving forward. You've got this!
Stay Curious ~
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This content is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice. Engaging with this content does not create a therapist-client relationship. Please consult a qualified professional for personal health concerns.
If you are in crisis, call or text 9-8-8 or contact emergency services at 9-1-1
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