All feelings are valid, but not all behaviours are

This core idea is a phrase clients frequently hear me say, and it forms the foundation of my therapeutic approach and an essential tool for self-compassion and healthy relationships. Embracing it can profoundly change how you connect with your inner emotional world and how you behave outwardly.

Part I: All Feelings Are Valid

Every emotion you feel—from joy and excitement to anger and anxiety—is a natural, valid, and necessary piece of information. Feelings are not right or wrong; they are simply signals from your nervous system and your inner self, indicating that something needs your attention.

Feelings provide information. When you feel angry, that anger is valid. It suggests a boundary has been crossed or a need is unmet. When you feel sadness, that sadness is valid. It indicates a loss or disappointment. The aim is not to judge, shame, or suppress these feelings (which can often cause resistance or dysregulation), but to acknowledge and experience them with kindness. Remember, you are inherently good, period. Your worth is not tied to your emotions, so allowing yourself to feel everything is an act of self-acceptance.

Therefore, your feelings cannot be wrong or bad; they are valid because, by nature, they are your experience.

Part II: But Not All Behaviours Are

While feelings are messengers, the behaviour that results from them is your response—and not all responses are helpful or aligned with your values.

Acknowledge your experience: The impulse driven by strong feelings might be to yell, withdraw, or engage in a harmful habit. These reactions are understandable, often rooted in past coping strategies. However, it’s important to pause (remember your pause button skill) and distinguish between the valid feeling and the potentially harmful action.

Aligning your response: Choice involves accepting the feeling and then consciously adjusting your reaction. For example:

Valid Feeling: Rage (signalling a need for respect).
Unhealthy Behaviour: Yelling and name-calling.
Aligned Response: Taking a moment to calm your nervous system, then expressing your feelings and needs through a clear request.

By differentiating between your internal, valid experience (the feeling) and your external, chosen action (the behaviour), you empower yourself to foster positive and healthy relationships. This is the core of moving from "I am a bad person" to "I have made a mistake, and I can choose to show up differently," paving the way for lasting, positive change. Remember, your feelings are points of information and are valid, and what you choose to do with that information is up to you.

Stay Curious

This content is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice. Engaging with this content does not create a therapist-client relationship. Please consult a qualified professional for personal health concerns.

If you are in crisis, call or text 9-8-8 or contact emergency services at 911.